{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot