I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Cndnsd Mlk
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.