People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Think I pulled my liver
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.