I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut