dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
oh my gosh!!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.