Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still