I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.