My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Air conditioning – not a fan
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Meow
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?