Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Doggies just call it style.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Hot Hot Hot
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1