Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
dude it’s called proctologist
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.