[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year