Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
anyone else like Italian cereal
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.