oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
i want to work in this restaurant
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up