Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The Struggle
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”