I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.