I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*