I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie