me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You Might Also Like
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I love the National Park Service.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.