My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know![]()
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.