My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]