CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.