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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I have no passwords left in me
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/