OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
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Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!