So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.