My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
You Might Also Like
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I wish this was real life…
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.