[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.