Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
very niche meme I made
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
This why you should mind your business
Two types of dogs.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves