Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.