When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.