People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
lost dog
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.