The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.