Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.![]()
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Simple
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.