Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!