Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”