You Might Also Like
I’m literally crying
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.