I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Driving in Europe vs Canada
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals