my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
this is the greatest thing ever
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.