[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
This checks out
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
? 💀
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids