Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.


wife *resting after surgery*
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”


Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*


I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.


everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg


The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.


Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants


I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”


I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?