Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Whoa 😂
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Body by cheese-puffs.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
This will teach them to underestimate me
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m not lazy
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck