@lordratsquirt

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

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@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@iwearaonesie

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

@ThatB_OverThere

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@TheCiscoKidder

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@funflaps

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@Mom_Overboard

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?