Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.