{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.