Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
You Might Also Like
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
lmao
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.