ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.