A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
That eye roll….
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.