Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.