This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?