Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.