age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?