18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.