@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

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@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@decentbirthday

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@AndyShulk

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

@maryfairybobrry

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.