When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.


Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!


An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.


* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?


Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination


*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*


Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel


If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.


Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?


Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.