When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’