Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink