Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am