My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast